I was truly a believer that maybe how my mind worked meant that it wasn't made for love. For friends or relationships, I either could love too much or too little and let my emotions flow through every decision I made. In my opinion, a life based on your emotions isn’t one.
I’d find myself constantly bored, overthinking every conversation and getting so lost in someone else I couldn’t see myself truly. Empathy was my worst enemy and I had bestowed upon myself to feel every emotion my partner or friend was also feeling. It wasn’t until I met my current partner I grew a better understanding of what it truly means to be in a relationship, what it requires and who that person should be to you. If I was to describe my relationship it would be like Sheldon and Amy from the Big Bang Theory, I think what I loved most about their love story was how confusing it appeared to everyone else. So in this blog post today I would like to speak about how my diagnosis gave me a better understanding of love. I would like to add that being of Christian faith has had a large part to play in this journey but I feel the lessons I’ve learned can apply to all.
So my first question is what does it truly mean to be in a relationship with someone? I believed that my partner had to encompass specific qualities, they had to be this perfect person and a relationship would mean we would have to face the world together in synchronicity. I learned that a relationship is a stepping stone. I once heard someone reference this as your partner should be your mirror before you go out into the world, they should help make you better, and they should teach you. To me a relationship should be your first step in learning, a person who you can both learn from and who can also guide you, you teach them and they teach you. The harsh reality is if we are unable to face our flaws and truly love and appreciate ourselves, and our trauma, we will refuse to truly be vulnerable to someone else. Therefore we don’t allow ourselves to be open to the growth, vulnerability and mending required to truly love. Your partner does not need to be like you, or like anyone you have known but truly they should be the imaginary hands that catch you when you fall and this should be without question on both parts. Life is bound to force you to lean on someone. A life with a partner is having someone who will catch you but also stand beside you. My biggest piece of advice as someone with ADHD is to separate your feelings from the practicalities of situations. What is actually happening? What is the person trying to say to me? Am I hurt because this infringes upon my insecurities and ego? The last question is a big one, ego will often stop you from being able to take criticism, we are not perfect especially when letting someone see the more vulnerable and imperfect aspects of us.
With friends it can be harder to decipher especially as you break away from circumstantial friendships, understanding that dynamics change. But friendships each have their purpose to bring some kind of joy in some aspect of your life. The biggest lesson I have learnt is that space is okay, life is complex and draining and as someone with ADHD, I find myself constantly needing reassurance of where I am at with others. For a while it consumed me, but it also made me realise I was perhaps pouring into friendships that wilted away because of this. When in reality it’s okay for things to end, allow friendships to flow like water. But remember with everyone that is in your life it is not like school anymore, you have to choose them and they also have to choose you. I feel as though we don’t appreciate the beauty in this especially when we reflect on how complicated life can be.
Remember that the ability to love is the most beautiful thing in this world. It’s not dependent on society, it isn’t ever-changing, it isn’t made nor broken. But it’s a thing we can all experience no matter your background, disability or age. So I end this post with one of my favourite quotes.
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." — Aristotle
Comentários